1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.  

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.  

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.  

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.  (beyond what we have on DA)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?  

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?  

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.  

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  

10. Bad decisions make good stories.  

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.  

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.  

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.  

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.  

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.  

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.  

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?  

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!  

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.  

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.  

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.  

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 ;  the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.  

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.  

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.   
Enjoy life!!!

  

The Importance of Walking

  Walking can add minutes to your life.
  This enables you at 85 years old
  to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
  home at $7000 per month.

  My grandpa started walking
  five miles a day when he was 60.
  Now he's 97 years old
  and we don't know where the hell he is.

  I like long walks,
  especially when they are taken
  by people who annoy me..

  The only reason I would take up walking
  is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  I have to walk early in the morning,
  before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

  I joined a health club last year,
  spent about 400 bucks.
  Haven't lost a pound.
  Apparently you have to go there.

  Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
  I wash my mouth out with chocolate..

  I do have flabby thighs,
  but fortunately my stomach covers them.

  The advantage of exercising every day
  is so when you die, they'll say,
  'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
  start with a small country.

  I know I got a lot of exercise
  the last few years,......
  just getting over the hill.

  We all get heavier as we get older,
  because there's a lot more information in our heads.
  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

  AND

  Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
  I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave,
  I look just fine.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not..

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going...

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

I  Owe My Mother   
**************************************


1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"  Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me."

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper."

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it."

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.."

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting  like your father!"

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do."

16.. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get  home."

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you  get home!"

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me."

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father."

23.. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my  favorite:

25..  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !"